MODERN LIFE

The following is a RANT. Don’t read it if you’re looking for something light and happy and airy. But do read it if you, like me, are feeling discouraged by modern life. Perhaps something I say here will inspire you, or make you feel better.

When I was a teenager, living at home, we had a dog named Wendy. Wendy was devoted to my mother (who fed her), and followed Mom around like a second shadow. Sometimes Mom would go into a room and close the door behind her, leaving Wendy sitting in the hall, patiently waiting for her return. Whenever I saw Wendy in the hall, looking so sad, I would reflect how fortunate it was for her that she didn’t have enough sense to realize that if only she had opposable thumbs, perhaps she could reach up and turn the doorknob and gain access to the room, reunited with her beloved caretaker.

But no, Wendy was no smarter than your average dog, (I’m assuming), and had no thought of sorrow or frustration because she was physically limited in her ability to achieve her goals. In fact, I’m quite sure Wendy never thought about having “goals.” She simply knew her Mommy was there, and then she wasn’t, so she would wait, and then Mommy would be there again. Feelings of inadequacy never entered into the equation.

I tell this little story to preface my next comment: sometimes I wish, Oh! If only I could be like Wendy, blissfully unaware of my limitations. Wouldn’t it be nice to simply live life, and do some things, and be happy with that, rather than being cognizant enough to realize that there are so many things I want to do that, for whatever reason, I am never going to be able to do.

Having “goals” is a curse, when your desires far exceed your grasp. Yes, it’s great to have dreams, but truth is, there are only so many hours in a day, and there are only so many opportunities for a basically mediocre person like myself. I can think up a ton of stuff that makes me say, “Hey! Wouldn’t it be great if…?” but far too soon my life collapses under the weight of all those “If’s.”

I have been blessed with just enough intellect and enthusiasm to WANT so many things out of life, yet not enough time, talent and money to actually achieve even a portion of what I can dream.

It’s frustrating.

I think part of the problem is that I’m getting older. When I was younger, I had “my whole life” in front of me, and time seemed limitless. Now, in my mid-fifties, reality has set in. “My whole life” is probably going to be another 25, 30 or 35 years, if I’m lucky. When you’re in your teens or twenties, that sounds like an eternity. In your fifties, you have a much more realistic view of time.

I say “realistic,” but oddly, I find myself more and more experiencing the phenomenon of time “speeding up.” Of course I know that time is not actually speeding up, but it sure does seem like it. Years pass much faster, to say nothing of months, weeks, days. Every time I turn around, it’s a weekend, and I get some stuff done, but there isn’t enough time to do everything I wanted to do. But no bother! Another weekend will be here before you know it.

Another part of the problem, I’m sure, is that I have allowed my “To Do” list to get way out of hand. I try to keep track of all the little things that have to be done by writing them down on paper so I won’t forget (pay the water bill, have the oil changed, return library books), but then there are also those BIG things that there never really seems to be enough time for: edit my book for publication, vacation in Las Vegas, take belly-dancing lessons. When do I get to do those things?

Granted, I have a couple of hobbies/projects that take up a good deal of my time. I enjoy the podcast, I enjoy posting to The Marvelous Zone, but I don’t enjoy the fact that the time needed for these projects takes away time from other things I might like to—other things like, perhaps, reading a book. (I try to read at least a chapter a night before bed, but honestly, sometimes I’m just so tired by the end of the day, either I forego reading completely, or fall asleep with the pages open.)

The day starts at 6 am, and usually ends about 11. That allows for seven hours of sleep. Where’s the eight hours we’re all told we should get? Sometimes seven hours just doesn’t do it for me! And sometimes it’s less than seven hours, because at the end of the day, there’s still dishes to wash and laundry to fold, cat box to scoop, and papers to file. Never mind reading a book! I’m just trying to stay on top of the basics!

I realized recently that when people ask me “How was your weekend?” if the weekend was good, I’ll answer, “Great! We got a lot of stuff done!” I measure success by how much gets done. I don’t really take into account whether or not I had fun, enjoyed myself, etc. Well, I often do manage to fit in a few fun, enjoyable activities between all the “Must Do’s,” but when I think about how the weekend went, the measure of success is “How Much I Got Done.”

That’s not right. But I’m not sure how to fix it. I don’t want to give up my hobbies. I ENJOY my hobbies! (If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have them as hobbies.) In fact, part of my frustration is that I don’t have time to pursue MORE hobbies! I have lost count of how many ideas for good websites I have had, never mind how many ideas for books I might write, Even now, I’m having an idea: I should take the ideas in this post and make them into a website, and call it Simplify.com, or something like that. (Never mind, that website already exists, but if I put my mind to it, I could think up something to call it!)

I wish the dishes and the laundry and the cat box would go away. Not the meals and the clothes and the cat, just all the upkeep that goes with them. I know that’s being childish. So instead, I wish I had enough money to hire someone to come in and do all those necessary things, so I would have more time to pursue my true interests. Again: childish, wishful thinking. But we all do it…right?

Before I go any further though, want to make one thing perfectly clear: Don’t think for a moment I’m trying to be one of those “Super-Women” that hold down a full time job AND do all the housework besides. Russ is a GEM. He helps with all the household chores. In fact, we’ve worked out a system these last few months where we are at last able to stay on top of the household chores. The biggies are dishes and laundry, so on odd-numbered days, I do dishes and he does laundry. On even-numbered days we switch.

Since we’ve started doing this, the sink is almost always clear of dirty dishes and the chair in the bedroom is (relatively) clear of clothes that need to be hung up and put away. Sometimes there is not as much laundry as dishes, so on those days, the “laundry person” vacuums, or scrubs the toilets. All in all, this is working out quite well.

But getting back to my bellyaching….wouldn’t it be great if there was all the time in the world for all the things we WANT to do, with no concerns about those nasty “Must Do’s”? I keep thinking it would be wonderful, but then I also think that if somehow that were to happen, I’m not even so sure any more that I would know exactly what it is that I want to do. I’ve gotten so use to measuring success by how much stuff gets done, that if I wasn’t actually knocking items off a “To Do” list, I don’t know if I would consider myself successful.

In part, I blame the internet. When I think this through, I realize my life would be a lot simpler if I didn’t have the internet. How did we ever get by without it? How did we ever get by without cell phones? Without remote controls? We did, but now when we think of those times, they seem so…primitive. So…underprivileged.

The computer was supposed to reduce paper accumulation, but as everyone knows, having a computer with an accompanying printer means we use MORE paper than ever before. Email was supposed to make corresponding so much easier, but as everyone knows, checking and responding to emails is a lot more time consuming and challenging than we had it back in the days of writing letters. We’re overwhelmed with information.

Information OVERLOAD.

Remember the commercial where the guy is at his computer and hears “You have now reached the end of the internet”? Why is it funny? Because there IS NO END to the internet. It goes on and on and on and on, and there is no end to what you might research and see on the internet.

Well, that might be fine for people whose brains function only slightly higher than the average family dog, but if you have a lot of interests, and a lot of curiosity, there is no end to what you can look up online. And that term about “surfing” the internet…well, how appropriate is that? One thing leads to another, which leads to another, which leads to another. Sometimes I can’t even remember where I started, but all of the sudden I’m somewhere completely different.

And I’ve found that one of the ironies of the internet is that though it gives you the opportunity to connect with people who have like interests, you will no doubt be overwhelmed by those opportunities. In our case, we do a podcast about Dark Shadows, and have met many great fans of the show. We have also run into many great websites about the show. We wish we had the time to visit all these fans and all these sites, but the reality is that because we are so busy producing our own podcast (and also busy adding to our other websites, and washing dishes and folding laundry, and scooping the cat box and getting the oil changed, not to mention spending eight hours a day at our paying jobs—now there’s a good chunk of time!) we don’t have anywhere near enough time to really get to peruse all the Dark Shadows sites we would like to.

If there was no internet, we would not have a podcast, or websites. We would not have Netflix, that keeps sending us great movies to watch. There would be no research to do on the best exercises or vegetarian recipes, or cat toys, and there would certainly be no email to answer. Without the internet, there would be no need for a printer, so there would be less paper in the house. With less paper in the house, there would be less time needed for filing.

And without the internet, there would be no need to clean out your email inbox. Last night, I took some time to clean out my email. I was going along, deleting one page at a time, page after page after page, and then somehow my finger slipped, I guess, and the next thing I knew, it was gone. It was ALL gone. All the personal emails I wanted to keep…GONE. Any important information I might have been saving…GONE.

For a moment, it disturbed me. I felt a terrible loss. But then suddenly I realized….the world was still spinning, and I was still alive. And not only that, but I was alive with an EMPTY INBOX! This is something I probably never would have done on my own, or if I had, it would have taken hours and hours. I almost feel like the hand of God reached down and caused my fingers to slip, so I could be done with this inbox all at once, and realize it was not the end of the world.

I was given the gift of time. And in some sense, I’ve been given a clean slate. Now, I can keep an eye on this inbox on a daily basis, and not let it get so full again. In fact, what I probably should do is to identify all those places that are sending me junkmail (the stuff I was TRYING to get rid of) and make arrangements to STOP that junkmail.

Sure, that will be time consuming. You see where this is going? It goes round and round, it never ends. How did I let myself get on this carousel? And how can I get off? Well, I guess I just have to start where I am.

And I guess I’ll have to reign in my expectations and get real with myself: I don’t have time to create and manage any more websites. I may never do Pysanki eggs again. I don’t have time each day to go to the gym, and floss, and soak my feet, and use the Neti Pot, and the body brush, and deep-condition my hair, and play the violin, and start an herb garden, and learn another language, and write a novel, and crotchet a scarf for winter, and learn to bellydance. At least not until I can afford to retire. Or, until I win the lottery. Whichever comes first.

But I know me. Even if I did win the lottery, and suddenly had so many extra hours in the day, I would quickly find a way to fill them, so that my “To Do” list might change in regard to the type of items on the list, but that list would only get longer and longer. And at the end of each day, I would still be judging my success by how many items I was able to cross off that list.

Sigh…I think I need a complete personality overhaul.